Children are always taught to make their parents happy no matter what the cost to them, venturing into the world leaving one or more parents feeling lonely and abandoned may often cause them to abandon their plans, believing that maybe a future departure may be less nerve wracking for the parent. However, the longer they stay, the harder it is for you to let go. Our "Learning to Let Go" series will cover everything from boundaries to coping techniques and we'll start with the ones below.
Living is not abandoning
Your child is born into the life you've given them, but it may not be the life they'll choose for themselves if they had the choice. In the future they will have this choice, many will stray. This is called living and they are not saying "I hate my life with you.", instead think of it as them saying "You've fed me, bathed me, and cleaned after me, now it's my turn to figure out how to do it for myself in a way that is all my own."
Your child will always love you, but they are not you and must find who they are. As a good parent, you must let go.
Where is home?
The saying has always gone, "Home is where the heart is". However, you must analyze where their heart currently resides. Yes, this is a concept most parents just cannot accept. Your child, while they may love you unconditionally, will eventually have another woman to love. Wherever they come to be together, settle, and raise a family, is quite simply home.
Whatever they do here, whatever they buy here, however they style their home is who they are. This is what they found out about themselves when you let them go in concept 1. Any comments from you claiming that your home is their home will be offensive to both your child and their spouse. This is a home they built together, with much effort. Try to i vision your mother-in-law saying that her home is eternally your spouse's home after you've raised 3 children together in the "home" you both built.
Where are you from?
So you've raised your child in Nebraska. To you, they will always be a Nebraska boy. But, has your child lived in Nebraska lately? This is another self analytical question. Your child will ultimately be from wherever they want to be from, wherever they relate to most. If they've traveled the world, moved away and love a particular place, and have even settled and made a life there, guess what, that's where they are from.
They grew up in Nebraska and had a choice to stay or go; they chose to go. There may be a multitude of reasons why, but in they end, they chose to go. Yes, technically they are "From Nebraska", but ask yourself this, if they go on a family vacation to Florida and a fellow tourist asks them "So, where are you guys from?", do you think they'll say Nebraska? I didn't think to either; they'll say they are from Boston, where they chose to live, learn, build a family, and possibly be buried.
As a parent, you must understand that a simple comment such as "You'll always be a Nebraska boy (or girl)", can be extremely offensive to your child. Their spouse, and the life they've chosen to live. They haven't spent all these years building a future away from Nebraska to be always associated with it.
You'll also have to learn how to not take everything so personally. Remember, you did not found Nebraska, you just chose to live there, if your kids choose differently, it's not a slap in the face to you. Letting go is hard, and sometimes the realities of it may seem mean, but I that's life, and life is a mean one sometimes. Once you master the art of brushing off your child's individualized decisions, the rest will be cake.
Stay tuned for part 2 next week where we'll cover more concepts like "You'll always be their first love" and "I feel unwanted".
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